Fucking With The Stars
Release Year: 2017
Cast: Arpad Miklos, Derrick Hanson, Derrick Vinyard, Jamie Donovan, Kevin Brown, Luca DiCorso, Manuel Torres, Zackary Pierce, Billy Masters, Bruce Vilanch, Chi Chi LaRue
Video language: English
"Fucking with the Stars" fares less well as a send-up of the similarly-named TV show than as an opportunity for Coco LaChine and Chi Chi LaRue to do their comic turns. LaChine and crew go for absolute broke and end up being as much a part of the fun as the actual fucking. As far as prizes go, a chunky, silver spray-painted dildo that's studded with gewgaws may not be worth coveting. But the notoriety that comes along with being crowned star fucker is another matter.
Four porn stars are paired with a counterpart. Here is where the "Dancing with the Stars" tie-in doesn't quite work. It's never clear just who is supposed to be the seasoned "dancer" and who is the celebrity brought in for ratings. In the end, does it really matter? The introductory antics in porn comedies, here hosted by the lovely LaChine, is something I usually get quickly bored with. Not here. The three judges: director Chi Chi LaRue, gossip columnist Billy Masters, and jack-of-all-trades Bruce Vilanch, seemed to completely go along with the conceit of an on-air talent competition, and though the jabs and jibes were all too scripted, their execution of the scripted remarks went over well.
The first of the contestants is the darling Kevin Brown, a twink whose aw-shucks sweetness seems entirely too genuine to be a put-on. And like the other hopefuls who follow, Kevin does a seductive strip-tease for the judges before the real performance gets underway. After shaking his money-maker in their faces (nearly putting Vilanch into coronary arrest) Kevin makes his way to a perfectly concentric bed onstage. Putting me in mind of a circus ring, it seemed the ideal place to be if you're gonna be scored on how well you perform in the sack. And was there ever a more cunning display than Kevin ass-up on a circular bed? He's joined by his partner, Zackary Pierce, who treats our boy to a gentle massage before flipping him over and latching onto his prick. Kevin loses a few points for eye contact (at times he transports himself right out of the scene by keeping his eyes clamped shut or throwing a forearm over his brow) but compensates with a scorching 69. And this pup never loses his wood when Zackary fucks him on his back, gloriously showcasing his one-of-a-kind sunburst tattoo.
Moments after Kevin blows his load, he appears before the judge's panel in a simple white terrycloth robe, the sound of canned applause sparkling underneath, an excellent opportunity for Bruce Vilanch to get off a few witty zingers. The groundwork is laid for a few running gags, the evaluation of each successive models' performance is always the same dizzy-headed repeat of a few meaningless phrases and the judges always give the exact same scores.
With each successive film I see Manuel Torres in, I become more and more unglued. A hairy fireplug with a penchant for spit-soaked pig sex, his heavy-handed bump-and-grind routine made me blush. Watching him tease his own foreskin, all I could think about was sniffing his stripper pole. Derrick Hanson gets a healthy whiff of Manuel's ass and a few deep sucks on Manny's hole when Manuel sits on his face. The rimming's mutual and by the time these two are finished tasting each other, they're shiny with sweat. Derrick should get a prize just for withstanding Manuel's full-on fuck. The cum-shot that closes this vignette, Manuel standing over Derrick's shoulder and shooting streams of spunk over one flexing pec, is breathtaking.
But of all the participants cornholing for the grand title, I was most envious of Luca DiCorso. I'd have to bow out on this one, as I'd surely fail to be fair and impartial judging Arpad Miklos. Arpad brings out the very best in Luca, beginning with a passionate roll around the bed, spiked with deep kisses. Watching Luca peel off Arpad deliciously tight undies, freeing his pulsing uncut masterpiece? Heaven, sheer heaven. Things only escalate from there. For most of the time they spend together, performing for the judges, Luca is curled up onto his shoulder blades, Arpad's thick tongue up his crack or his mouth sucking the life from his dick. Forget the studded dildo -- this is the real prize! Arpad's prick buried deep took some getting used to but once Luca found his rhythm, he's a shoo-in for first place, due in no small part to his scene partner.
The last competitor, Derrick Vinyard, is a prime piece of beef. Coco makes it clear before Derrick even appears that he's secured her vote. Of the go-go performances, he gets the gold star for sheer sex appeal and heartiest wood, despite his overdone facial expressions, à la Billy Idol. His partner, Jamie Donovan, is a slender twinkie I hadn't seen before. Jamie gets busy blowing Derrick, and almost seems surprised when Derrick pulls him up for an intense make-out session. The rimming Derrick receives is equally intense. He makes the most of the moment, pulling the tops of his thighs into his chest, fully exposing his chute for service. Not surprisingly, Derrick tops his thinner, younger-looking buddy. And no Derrick appearance would be complete without his trademark litany of dirty-talk. Each time I see Derrick on a cast roster, I tell myself I'm not going to melt when he starts cooing like a sotted frat-boy with his dick buried deep inside some hole. But each time, I melt nonetheless.
Format: mp4
Duration: 1:53:16
Video: 720x544, AVC (H.264), 2029kbps
Audio: 124kbps
File size: 1.8 GB
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